This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 30 December 2011

I meets an Angliccan

Nuffink to report from my dere bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict I) todday. He is in de gardden writtin papal bulls. I did take a pitcher so dat you can see how dificult it is if de bull dont want to be written.

Bosco writin a bull

De life of a Pop sure aint as easy as it looks.

Anyways, we had a knock on de door, and dere was a cosstume holly man standin dere. "Ullo," he said. "I is Farver Malcoml, an Angliccan preist in good stand-in." I has discovvered dat when preists says "good stand-in" dey means dat dey finks everryone else is in bad stand-in, and dey is gonna tell em.

Farver Malcoml

Farver Malcoml says he aint a typiccal Angliccan, as he is very infleunced by Bhuddism. Anti Moly took to him immediately, as she met de Dolly Llama when she was a little girl and he won her devottion by givvin her lots of gin. Dem Bhuddists is also very skilled in marital arts, which means you gotta say "Om" and frow poeple out of de winder. But Farver Malcoml has got a quick temper, and I hopes he dont give me a Carroty Chop or try doin Juddo. He says dat he read a lot of Jong too, dat's a fammuos Korrean Philosoper what died recently.

Anyways, Farver Malcoml went out for a walk in de street wiv Anti Moly, lookin for oportunnities to commit greivuos boddily Om.

Kong Foo

Dat's Anti Moly practisin her Kong Foo.

Aldough I is saved alreddy, and my big bruvver is an Antipop, I is very interrested in lookin at non-Chritsian relligoins like Angliccanism. I heard dere was a famuous Jewish Rabi (not a Rabit, dats somefink different) called Bellattor in de nieghbourhood, and I was finkin of going to see what he gotta say as well.

Reggular readers will know dat at de end of Augusst Bosco won a stateu of St Peter in a competitoin, well not de whole stateu, just a big foot. We has put it in de gardden, and it attracts monks from miles aruond what wants to be devotted to it. Here is one of dem givvin it a kiss.

Monk and iddle

I don't fink he can be saved.

Brakin News. Anti Moly is wonderin whevver to sue de grate novellist Cuttley for libbel. In his best-sellin novvel "Thopmson takes charge" dere is a charracter called "Mattron" wot is a lazy old lady who drinks lotsa gin. Anti Moly is takin it as a pussonal insullt.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Pop Bozodict

We had a good Chritsmas dinner, wiv a luvvly puddin, on which Anti Moly puored a whole bottle of branddy. She was verry cross dat it cuaght fire, but she soon put out de flames and we drank de rest of de puddin.

Anti's puddin

After dat we was all gettin a bit merry, and Bosco said dat he had finally ran out of pattience wiv de Pop, who is refussing to ressign in favour of a saved pusson. So he said we was gonna ellect a new Pop. De ellectoin was conductted by de very merry college of Cradinals (Bosco, Eccles, Anti Moly and Farver Arfur), and de votes was 2 for Bosco, 1 for Anti Moly, and 1 for Farver Arfur. I voted for Bosco and I fink de uvvers all voted for demselves.

At dis point Anti Moly said "Stuff dis for a lark, let de clown be Pop, I is goin for anuvver drink," and dat gave my bruvver de majoritty he needed. I fink dat's what happened in de Vattican, last time, as well - Cradinal Pell said "Strewth, I needs a tinnie of Chatteau Wallaby Clarret now. Let Cradinal Ratzigner have de jobb. Anyways, I gotta get away quick, cos I is bein stalked by an old lady from Adellaide. She's out dere in St Peter's Sqaure now, shoutin 'Coo-eee, Goerge!'"

White smok

At dat momment we relleased de white smok which proves dat we has got a new Pop. In fact it was Anti Moly's lapptop wot cuaght fire, I fink she spilt some branddy on it.

Bosco and me is currantly postin under alliases on Damain Thopmson's blogg. He is now Pop Bozodict, of course. I is callin myself "incongito" - dis is to confuse Farver Arfur, wot reports all my words of priase to de muddlerators. He cant stand de idea dat I is saved and he aint, cos he is a cosstume holly man. (But I finks he wont be in good stand-in much longer if de Pop in Rom reads dis blogg and finds out dat Arfur voted for an Anti-pop.)

Pop Bozodict

Dat's Bosco in his brand new Pop vestmeants, I dont know what dere names is, fings like cossacks, chazebels and stoles, I fink dey is called. Don't he look handssome?

My bruvver Pop Bozodict has learnt dat Pops like writin fings called Pappal Bulls, dey doesnt use paper like de rest of us. I aint seen one of dem pappal bulls yet, but we did find a pitcher of an old Pop called Herbert goin to de bank to cash a check, so dat proves dat it must happen.

Pappal Bull

Farver Arfur says dat after Vattican II de Pops aint allowed to use bulls any more, but we is still checkin dis.

Monday, 26 December 2011

De Austrialan serenad

We is still bein pestered at nihgt by an Austrialan serenadin my Anti Moly. Last night she frew a bucket of plattypus suop over him, and he ran away leavin de words of his luv song behind. So I is typin dem in now, but I aint got time to correkt de spellin.

Tie Mo-lybdenite down, Sport,
Tie Mo-lybdenite down.
She's just melting right down, Sport,
So tie Mo-lybdenite down.

Smash her PC with a brick, Nick,
Smash her PC with a brick,
She's getting on everyone's wick, Nick,
So smash her PC with a brick.

Take her bottles away, Ray,
Take her bottles away,
She's been drinking all day, Ray,
So take her bottles away.

Put my Auntie to bed, Fred,
Put my Auntie to bed.
The blogging's gone to her head, Fred,
So put my Auntie to bed.

Anti hopes dat it is Cradinal Pell come to serenad her, but I got some duobts here.

My bruvver Bosco is very concerned about de worship of a Cathlic iddle called Saint Claws, wot we is seeing everywhere right now. Evil-lookin chap, aint he?

Saint Claws

But some poeple worshipp de pius, saintly, good pollite St Cuttley instedd - for example, here's a pitcher of a Cathlic monk worshippin a scared rellick of de famuous novellist.

Cuttley rellic

Bosco explaned to Anti Moly dat Cathlics fink it is puffectly normal to take rellics from saints. She was finkin of goin to Englland wiv a pair of scisors to cut off a lock of Cuttley's beuatiful hair; or maybe he can be persuadded to spare a bon or two if she takes her chane saw wiv her.

Meanwhile, Farver Arfur is still very worried dat Richard Dakwins may come and arrest him. So when he goes out to do cosstume holly man fings he has to wear a disgiuse. Here he is rellaxin in our house. In order to blend in wiv everyone else he is bein very cunning and readin de newspapper.

Arfur readin

Saturday, 24 December 2011

How to be in good stand-in

Farver Arfur is at a loose end right now, as he tells us dat Chritsmas dont begin until de evenin service tonihgt, and so we is still in Addvent. Dis means dat we is forbidden to show good will to poeple, and has gotta carry on insulltin dem.

Arfur's letter

De pitcher above shows a letter dat Arfur carries ruond wiv him at all times, singed by his bishopp, to say dat he is in good stand-in. De main points is as follows.

* Owin to a misunderstandin, he have been ordianed priest and we aint yet mannaged to get dis fixed.

* He aint got a crinimal record under de name he uses, aldough of course he may have some Anonnymous sockpoppet names as well dat we aint heard about.

* He is great with chilldren, it's only adullts he can't stand.

Arfur wiv baby

Dat's a pitcher of Farver Arfur showin dat he is good wiv kids.

* He aint interessted in sex, drink, drugs, smokin, tellevisoin, fatty foods, books, mussic or anyfink else dat mihgt give pleasure.

* He aint a ravin loony, or at least not bad enuogh to stop him bein a cosstume holly man.

Singed by his bishopp, wot is a reel bishopp cos he have got a Babble-onion fish hat.

Arfur's bishopp

Dat's a new pitcher of Arfur's bishopp, wot holds him in high regardds and invites him reggular to tea parties.

Arfur is still a bit impattient, as he says dat de Pop hasnt yet repplied to his reqquest for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, tormentin poeple. Still it made choosin him a Christmas pressent very easy for us, as he can wear dis on all occassions.

Pressent for Arfur

I concludes wiv Chritsmas greetings from all 4 people wot is currently crammed into Bosco Towers (I hopes dat Anti Moly and Arfur are only temporarry geusts).

Bosco: Unless you knows Jessus pussonally like I does, you aint got a hope of bein saved, and is goin into de Lake of Fire. I hopes dat knowin dis dont spiol your Chritsmas.

Anti Moly: I dont believe in god or gods, but dey says dat Chritsmas is a time for finkin of absent freinds. So if Rolf Harrass or Goerge Pell wants to come ruond, we got lots of bottles of Chritsmas spirrit left.

Arfur: Eccles, at 1 p.m. on December 24th you said to me "Merry Chritsmas." Dis is a blashpemy as it is in fact still Addvent. Anyways, dere aint nuffink to be merry about. De Catacoms of the Churhc dont mentoin bein merry, does dey?

Eccles (me): Um, Happy Chritsmas to all loyyal readers. By readin dis blogg, you is sure on de road to bein saved.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.

Rofl Harris

Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.

Pop and Pell

After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.

Farver Arfur's parluor

Monday, 19 December 2011

De coral signers

De Calumny Chappel has organized some coral signing, in order to raise money for a good charitty (dis year we is payin for Pastor Macaroni to get a forged passport and flee de cuontry). What we does is knocks on doors at 11 p.m. and says to de poeple wot answers "Give us de money buster or we gonna sign 'Away in a Mangler' very luod and wake up all your kids."

Satisfied cusstomer

Dat's a typical satisfied cusstomer after Bosco has sung a lollaby fortisimmo frew his letter box.

Sometimes we signs corals what Bosco has adappted for saved poeple to sign, like dis one:

While shehperds watched dere flocks by nihgt,
Dey wasn't saved like us,
Cos everyfink we says is right,
And everyfink we does.

Anti Moly came along too, even dough she aint relligiuos, as de opportunity of screeming "Woeful" into poeple's letterboxes was too good to miss.

Moly screemin at door

We allso got some support from Farver Arfur. He is still in hidin from Richard Dakwins, but one of Dakwins's pals has just died, so perhaps he wont be commin to look for Farver Arfur dis week. Anyways, Farver Arfur felt dat it was safe to come out, providded dat he wore a disgiuse. For a proffesionnal cosstume holly man, it was quite easy to find siutable vestments for de Advent seasson.

Farver Arfur

Unforttunatly, Farver Arfur interrupted one of our carols, sayin in a stern vioce: "At 11.30 p.m. todday you said 'Hark de Harold Angles sign.' Since it is still 6 days before Chrisstmas, you shuold know dat de Harold Angles didnt say nuffink at dis perriod, but was respecttfully sillent. I advisses you to do de same, if you wisshes to be recognissed as Chritsians. It is a serriuos heressy if you corruppts de meanin of Holly Scriptture and prettends dat dere was angles signin dis early. Indeed, artticle 2733058 of de Catacoms of de Churhc says dat you shuold be burned at de steak for dat."

Luckily, we aint Cathlics, but Farver Arfur is a good man, and if he dont get arrested by Dakwins, he says dat he is gonna apply for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, so dat he can spend de rest of his life bein nassty to people.

Dis is what Cathlics does to people who sings "Hark de Harold Angles" too soon.

Cathlic torcher

Thursday, 15 December 2011

De Bosco Cod

Bosco is a grate reader of de Bibble, but not de bits where it tells you dat sinnin is wrong. Here he is wiv a member of de Calumny Chappel Bibble Studdy Gruop lookin for loopholes in Scrippture.

Bibble Studdy

Bosco has long maintained dat de Bibble contains all de knowlegde of the world, includdin sceince, and prophessy. He says dat de words of King James (wot wrote de Bibble) contains even de name of de winnin horse at de Lake Hellsinus Darby, if you knows where to find it.

Bosco proofed dis to me by showin me two verses from de Bibble (I has cut and passted so any spellin mistakes aint my fualt here).

2 Kings 22:1.
Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned thirty and one years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jedidah, the daughter of Adaiah of Boscath.

2 Samuel 22:4.
I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

Note dat de words we has sellected says "Boscath is saved," which is clearly de Bibble's way of tellin my bruvver dat he is chossen by Jessus. I was askin him if he could find some other good phrases, like "Eccles is saved," "Anti Moly is mellting down," and "Farver Arfur is reely a preist," but he said dat it took a lifetime of studdy to get dis sort of wissdom from de Bibble.

Here's anuvver example for de sceintific reader.

Genesis 46:16
And the sons of Gad; Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli.

Job 31:33
If I covered my transgressions as Adam, by hiding mine iniquity in my bosom.

As you can see, dis is predictin de Haggs Bosom, wot is a God particule, no wonder it's in de Bibble. Dey's been usin de Large Haddock Collider to look for it. I asked Anti Moly if we cuold expect to see a hag's bossom soon, and she said "Nope, I keeps my clothes on when I has a bath." What can she mean?

Moly in bath

Meanwhile, we is all worried about Farver Arfur, who is hidin, in case Richard Dakwins comes to arrest him. Farver Arfur spends all his time on de telephon to de Pop, explainin to him dat he is a rotten traddy what breaks de Catacoms of de Churhc. Dem Cathlics sure is strange.

Dis is Farver Arfur trying to hide in de celler, when de door bell rings and he finks it might be Dakwins, or maybe his freind Polly Tonybee.

Arfur in Celler

In fact it was just a door-to-door iddle salesman. We buoght one for Farver Arfur, as it looks a little bit like Bosco after he's been doin a hard nihgt's Bibble Studdy, lookin for de name of de winner of de Lake Hellsinus Darby. Bein an unsaved cosstume holly man, Farver Arfur has allways gotta have an iddle to kiss, or he pines away.

Bosco iddle

I is gonna end today's blogg wiv a pitcher of an evil fiend incarnnate, dat Bosco says is probbably a lesbain, cos he says all nuns is. Dis one is readin an encyclicall from de Pop, which mentoins Farver Arfur. De title is De Sacerdote Insano Persequente, whattever dat may mean.


Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dakwins is commin

Our unsaved freind Farver Arfur knocked on de door in a grate panick, and said "Help, hide me! Proffesor Dakwins has discovvered dat I is reely a preist in good stand-in after all, and he is commin to arrest me!"

Our freind is talkin of de famuous Proffesor Richard Dakwins, author of many grate books, such as De Sellfish Watchmaker and De Gene Dellusion. As reggular reeders will know, he once gave my bruvver Bosco a prize for promottin athiesm so well with his luvvly blogg. Dis Dakwins is very unhappy cos he once wanted to arrest de Pop and everryone told him to stop bein a loony.

Pussonally I fink dis Dakwins aint real, I sent him my watch to repare, cos it was broken, and he never repplied.

Dakwins bus

Still, Farver Arfur is worried, becuase he is now Nubmer One on Dakwins's hit list. "Dakwins aint scared of de Pop now, cos he knows I got more infleunce," explaned our freind. "Sometimes I has to put de Pop straihgt when he shows tradditoinalist tendencies." It is true dat Farver Arfur has memorized all de Catacoms of de Churhc off by heart, so dat he can tell poeple like de Pop whennever dey is breakin dem.

"Ain't de Pop infallible like you?" I asked Farver Arfur. He explaned dat once every so often de Pop wakes up in de mornin and says "Ho hum, I is feelin infallible todday, I finks I will say somefink to wake em up." Of cuorse, he dont dare do dat wivvout askin Farver Arfur's advice first.

Dere is also a grate freind of Dakwins who is a phillosopher wiv funny hair, called Grailing. We fink he may be easy to spot if he turns up. Here is a pitcher of him and Mrs Dakwins talkin to an iddle.

Mrs Dakwins and Grailing

Dat probably aint a dogg, so rellax and stop worryin.

"Has we got a costume holly man preist's hole in de huose, Bosco?" I asked my dere bruvver.

Well, we has got a cellar, but Anti Moly took it over, in case at 4 a.m. she needs a little drink for her poor parched thraot, after screemin at her lapptop all nihgt.

Wine celler

But it turns out dat we has also got a sort of cubpoard, where Farver Arfur may hide if Dakwins ever turns up. Dis is a pitcher of him in good standin outside it.

Farver Arfur by preists hole

We was worried dat Anti Moly mihgt bettray Farver Arfur's whereabuots to Dakwins, but she says it is only woeful traddy Cathlics dats she hates, and dat you wuold never geuss dat Farver Arfur was relligiuos at all. So dat's OK.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Damain gets a letter

Well, I has allways maintained dat Farver Arfur was a real preist, and not de escapped loony wot people is lookin for, and todday we got de proof. De Pop wrote a letter to Damain Thopmson, sayin dat our dear freind was reely a preist after all.

Pop writin to Damain

Dis prooves once and for all dat Farver Arfur is a geniune preist. I was expecttin dis cosstume holly man to fank me for supportin him threw thick and thin, but he is a moddest man, and whenevver I makes a comment on Damain's blogg sayin dat I never doutbed him, he gets de muddlerators to dellete it.

Farver Arfur has shown us dat he has uvver powers, dat aint normally givven to preists unless dey is in good stand-in, for example he is able to levittate as well.

Levitatin preist

I fink I also saw a great lihgt shinin down from Heaven, and an angle dat fluttered down and said "VERILLY, DIS MAN IS INDEED A PREIST, BUSTER." But it may have been a trick of de lihgt.

We asked Arfur who his Bishopp was, but he aint too keen to tell us. I has done some enquirries, and I fink it may be dis man. He is wearin a Babble-onion fiz hat and givvin a Cathlic blessin

Arfur's bishopp

While Farver Arfur was visittin us, we got a tellephon call from a lady, who said "Can you come ruond, Farver, and give de last rites to my Grandad?" Arfur refussed, sayin dat de old man in questoin was a miserabble sinner wot werent worth forgivvin. Anyway, he cuoldnt leave his lapptopp rihgt now as he had to read Damain's blogg and report all de comments on it. Farver Arfur sure knows what his spiritaul priorities are.

My bruvver Bosco is very jealuos, as bein saved he is expectin recognitoin any time now (de Rapture) while Arfur, who is a Cathlic, gonna go SPLOSH into de Lake of Fire. Indeed, my darlin bruvver has explaned dat, as a saved pusson, he is gonna be one of de Jugdes when de Day of Jugdement comes. In readdiness for dis, he has got hisself a jugde's wigg, aldough I aint fuond no mentoins of wiggs in de Bibble.

Bosco in wigg

I was askin Bosco whevver I cuold be a jugde too, cos I is also saved. He is gonna ask Jessus whevver idoits can be jugdes as well (I dont reely undderstand dis comment).

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Rehearsin a play

Well we is all gettin very excitted about the Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play. But my big bruvver Bosco, who is cast as de back half of Mary's donkkey, is in a grate panick.
"Woss my lines?" he asked me. "I is a grate artiste, and I is saved, so I gotta give my message to de world." We explanes dat de rear ends of donkkeys aint normaly grate conversatoinalists, but Bosco has read de Bibble, and has heard about Balham's Ass in de Book of Nubmers, wot used to shout "Sockpoppet!" at him.

Balham ass

So Bosco feels dat as a grate acter he has got de right to express himself. "You aint saved, Mary you stuppid dame," he wants to say in a donkkey voice. "You is a grate sinner. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" We is still workin on dis role. We doesnt want Mary to fall off de donkkey when Bosco starts brayin at her.

Meanwhile, we has fuond a missin fraggment of de Gopsel of St Luke, where he brings in a comick charactter for lihgt releif. Strangley, we fuond dis text on de printer in Anti Moly's bedroom.

Moly's printer

1. And dere was abiddin in Nazzareth an old lady called Haddach wot said she was de Anti of de Verger Mary.
2. And lo! Haddach spent de nihgt in a vigill, wherein she screamed and shouted insullts at de passers-by.
3. Yeah, and she spake sayin "Traddy Sockpoppets! Verilly de sittuatoin is woeful! Such is life!"

Dere is uvver bits in de Bibble wot mentoins Haddach, for exammple when Jessus turns de water into wine at Canna, she is dere complanin dat He didnt make gin.

Gin at Canna

Dis could be Anti Moly's chance for starrdom. Now dat we has insertted dis fraggment into de Calumny Chappel Bibble (which is loose-leaff, so dat we can allso remove bits we doesnt like), we is ready to includ her in de Nattivity Play.

Farver Arfur (also known as Napolleon) is de third herro of dis blogg, even thuogh he is a Cathlic and not saved. He has assked to take part in our holly cosstume dramma, and we fink de part of King Horrid is taylor-made for him. When de wise men comes in and says "Ullo! We is wise men! We has got a B.A. in camel-ridin," he tells dem dat dey is evill rotten sinners for prettendin to be wiser than him.

Wise men

Arfur is lookin forward to his big sceene, where King Horrid gets to massaccre de innocennts, especailly as he explanes dat dey wasnt innocennt at all, but was guilty of committin lotsa sins listed in de Catacoms of de Churhc, such as bein Traddie Babbies and committin de sin of Subbtraction.

Fiendish Babby

Dis is one of dem evil babbies, dat Farver Horrid is gonna be massacring, and I am sure he desserves it.

Dey has found a part for me too, I is gonna be an angle of de Lord. Not de one wot says "Ullo, Mary, does you want to guess why I has bruoght you a pile of babby clothes?" but annuver one wot sings about Gloria in Exchelseas, dats Lattin, cos dem angles wos foriegners and cuoldnt speak propper English like us. It's all very excittin bein a grate acter.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

De escapped loony

Well, we ain't had much luck selling Bosco's suol so far. We got some professionnal auctoineers to value it, but dey said dat it was so dirty and corrupt dat noboddy wuold want it. So we is keepin it on de market in case a surprise bidder turns up wot aint too fussy.

Bosco has been honoured by de Calumny Chappel for his stirling evangellical work, dey is gonna put his imagge on de wall, to go wiv de cement doves.

Bosco image

Some poeple say dat dis is a gravven image, but it's OK provided you doesnt kiss it, and dere aint much chance of dat. It sure is a good likeness of my handdsome bruvver Bosco.

De uvver news of my bruvver is dat we is gonna have a Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play, which is somefink to do with Chritsmas. Bosco has got de starrin roll as de back end of Mary's donkkey, becuase of his luvvly blogg. My bruvver wanted to play de part of Mary, as he finks dat she is a very improtant pusson, so he went along to de audditoins, but didnt get de job.

Mary recriutment

Bosco offerred to put on a blue dress, but dey said a man wiv a clown face wasnt gonna look much like Mary, whereas he alreddy looked like de back end of a donkkey.

Anti Moly feels very left out. Even dough she aint relligiuos she does take a grate interrest in dese matters, and allways wants to stick her ore in. Howevver, de Gopsell of Luke dont mentoin an old lady wot kept cryin out "Woefull," "Sockpoppet," and "Wheres de gin?" so we is a bit stuck. Bosco said we cuold write in a part for Haddach, de comic Anti of Mary, to get a few laughs, since we in de Calumny Chappel adds bits to de Bibble and deletes bits when we feels like it. But Pastor Al Shehperd refused to allow it.

An odd fing wot happened todday was dat I got a phone call from de local Loony Bin sayin "We has lost a loony, has you seen im? He gotta dellusion dat he is a preist, and calls himself Farver Arfur. Or sometimes he finks he is Napolleon."

Well we knows a Farver Arfur, but he claims to be a real preist. He showed me a badge dat he was givven by de Pop, who kissed him on de cheeks and said he was a good and fateful savant (it seems dat Farver Arfur repplied "I wish I cuold say de same abuot you, but you is a traddy Pop and orta be ashammed of yousself for writin all dem horrid fings in Lattin"). Dat surely proves dat Arfur is a real preist.

Preist badge

"I is also a grate freind of my Bishopp," explaned Farver Arfur, "cos I keeps phonin him up and tellin him dat he has offended against de Catacoms of de Churhc, specificaly Articles 2477, 3142, 6666, 2718281828, and 1111122222 to 1111177777 inclussive."
"Does you see him in de Cathedrall?" asked Bosco. "I spose he's got a Babble-onion fish hat, cos he aint saved like me."
"Yup, and he has got a specail place for me, dat I sits on when I goes to the Cathedrall."
"Gosh, you has got your own throan, den?"
"Nope, de Bishopp calls it de nuaghty step, and he says I gotta sit dere until I learns to behhave in a more Chritsian fashoin. Dat's a wicked act on his part, we experts calls it de sin of Diffraction."

So it is definittely a mysterry whevver Farver Arfur and de escapped loony is one and de same. Here is a recent pitcher of our freind rellaxin in his spare set of clothes dat he wears when he aint bein a cosstume hollyman.


He is plannin to go to Moscow some time, I fink. It aint bad except in de winter.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Gifts for Chritsmas


De ideal pressent for de little kid what wants to be saved.


Dis little fellow is an electronnic marvel dat can speak a lot of usefull phrases, such as:

* Kiss me, I'm an iDoll.

* Granny aint saved, tee hee hee.

* Bosco done a poo on de blogg, Mummy.

* Mummy, can I throw stones at de cosstume holly man?

* Give us de gin.***

*** Dis phrase was sugested by my Anti Moly, who said it was one of her favorite phrases when she was a little gril.

Powered by Solar Scriptura cells.


Cement Dove

Dis dove is reely a pussonal organizer and aid to Salivation.

It has a built-in recording devvice, so dat preists in good stand-in like Farver Arfur can record confessoins to make sure dey dont miss anyfink, and den play dem back at parties.

It has a built-in alarm functoin, so dat it can wake you up in de mornin wiv your chioce from some jolly phrasses, such as:

* Wake up, lazzy bons. You aint gonna be saved.

* Ullo, I fink Jessus is standin at de door knockin.

* Annuver day dawns, and dere is more poeple waitin to be insullted.

* Only woeful, traddy, fanattical Cathlic sockpoppets stay in bed late.

* Ullo, dis is Sister Whippie here, wuold you like one of my luvvly pennance puddings?

* At 4 a.m. dis mornin you said "Zzzz..." Accordin to de Catacoms of de Churhc dat is a sin, cos you is a foolish verger what went to sleep.

* Its 5 a.m. Anti, time to put de computter away and go to bed.

As you can see we has been recievin suggestoins from a varietty of suorces.

Heaven and Hell

At Chritsmas we plays de Calumny Chappel versoin of snakes and ladders, where you has to try and stay on de angles, and not go on de demmons.

Heaven Hell game

Bosco aint very good at dis, and he allways ends up in Hell.