This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Anti Moly replies

Anti Moly


I want to make it clear to all of you that I never under any circumstances read Eccles's vicious and cruel blog, which takes trivial incidents from my life and exaggerates them out of all proportion.

For example, in his entry of 8th July 2011, when he first recorded my arrival, he referred to me incorrectly as "Grate-Ant Molly," and claimed that I had been detained at the police station for vagrancy (which my illiterate nephew spells "vaguerancy"). In fact, I had merely gone there to report that someone - probably a fanatical Catholic - had put 25 baby possums in my hotel room; they were running round the room, bouncing up and down on my bed, and they knocked over six bottles from my meagre supply of medicinal gin.

Then again, in the entry of 9th July...

[50 pages deleted here. Sorry, Anti Moly!]

Anyway, having corrected all the errors in Eccles's nasty blog, let me take the opportunity to dispel the most recent rumours, namely, that I deliberately tried to kill my nephew by cooking a poisonous meal for him.


Delicious bush tucker

In Pottymouth, the beautiful Australian city where I normally live (although at present I am an exile in London), we don't have any pathetic pommy squeamishness about food. Spiders, snakes, old socks, hairbrushes... all these constitute "bush tucker," and are delicious when fried in gin. On Sunday I decided to do some cooking, as everyone else in the household had gone to church, and I made a delicious Pottymouth Goulash à la Cardinal Pell - named after an old admirer of mine. Perhaps I added too much anti-freeze - such is life, eh - for when Eccles came back to partake of this culinary delight, he was very ill. However, I ate some myself, so that proves it was harmless.

Eccles has also written some misleading comments about my false teeth.

False teeth

My new set of false teeth

It is true that I lost my previous set of false teeth, and it is even true that a Catholic priest found them and venerated them as a relic. However, I did not throw the teeth at him - they slipped from my hand when I was gesturing to him to get lost. I'm just putting the record straight here, although those fanatical traddy Catholics are determined to lie about the events.

While I am here, perhaps I can also set the record straight about the events of June 2010, when judy8 (note, no capital letter!) was not banned from Damian Thompson's blog, whatever people say. Far from it: indeed, Damian invited me to write my own Telegraph blog, because he was so impressed by my incisive debating style. It's true that judy8 vanished and I came back under the names of AlfredHaddock (no space) and molybdenite (lower case); however, these were not sockpuppets but...

[Another 50 pages deleted here. Sorry again, Anti Moly!]

Well, that's the short explanation, anyway. I can give more details if anyone wants them.

Let me close with a few comments about England. It really is a woeful place, with a high concentration of pommies, Catholics, males, females, young people, old people and middle-aged people - these are all sections of society that I dislike strongly. The worst freaks of all are to be found on the Telegraph blogs pages, although I make an exception for courteous, saintly, polite and charming Charles Cutley Utley, the celebrity blogger, novelist and lawyer. He has not been seen lately, and it seems that he is greatly changed by his sufferings; however, he has sent me a recent photograph, which I would like to share with you.


"Slightly grumpy" Charles Utley

Well, stands the church clock at ten to three, and are there spiders still for tea? I think so. Such is life, eh.


Monday, 30 July 2012

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. And Richard spake, saying, "None of the existing religions has quite got the true message of Creation, that I am God and alone worthy of worship. So I shall found a new religion, and it shall be called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science."


The book of Gene-sis

2. And many multitudes came to worship Richard, yeah, even impressionable teenage girls, who screamed and threw their underwear onto the stage whereon he strode.

3. And Richard said, "This is very gratifying, but I cannot sing, and most of my fans have already heard my famous lecture on Why did the chicken's genes tell it to cross the road?"

4. So he sent forth messengers to search through the collected wisdom of the ages (Google and Wikipedia), to obtain some suggestions for what makes a popular religion.

5. And the messengers returned and said, "Tax-free status. Regular collections of money. Polygamy. Big buildings. Brain washing. Human sacrifices. Hymns. Women covering their entire body in a sheet. Yours could be the first religion to do all these at once."

6. So Richard struggled for many months, and finally obtained tax-free status. For the Charity Commissioners said "It seems to us that you're just a barking mad self-publicist. Why do you not try and be more like Tom Cruise, Sun Myung Moon, Mitt Romney, and other pious saintly men? But we suppose we'll have to let you get away with it."

7. And Richard said, "Indeed, we plan to adopt some of the ideas of other churches, in a secular context. I quite like the idea of polygamy, as although I have had three wives, I have never had more than one at once."

Mrs Dawkins IV

Tipped as a possible "back-up" wife for Richard Dawkins

8. But his third wife Lalla smote Richard with a frying-pan, and he decided that after all polygamy was not a high priority. Likewise, she refused to cover her entire body in a sheet, so he quietly dropped that idea too.

9. And Richard spake, saying, "It is important to educate the masses, that they may be my worshippers all their life."

10. "Let me present the DAWKOTRON, which will cleanse the brains of my disciples, the Dawkies, from any lingering thoughts of other religions."


The Dawkotron in action

11. And Richard launched an online shop,, wherein the faithful Dawkies could buy relics of their god.

12. And he sold recordings of his inspiring speeches: "I have a meme" (Hitchens's Bar in Washington D.C.), "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat, and tears - here's my DNA sample" (Scotland Yard interview room), and "Government of the genes, by the genes, for the genes, shall not perish from the earth" (Gettysburg Lunatic Asylum).

13. Then there were shirts, ties, strait-jackets, and saucy underwear, all tastefully embroidered with the motto of the Foundation.

Dawkins is God

Dawkins is God

14. And Dawkins looked the the finances, and lo! they were very good. For his latest book The God Confusion had been translated into 94 vibrant languages, including Ancient Macedonian, Paleo-Norman and Crimean Gothic, while The Dawkins Cult was attracting many worshippers anxious to be parted from their money.

15. So that all The Dawkins Cult lacked to make it a proper religion was a temple, and some catchy hymns to sing. As we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 10

Friday, 27 July 2012

A day in the life of Damain Thopmson

Damian Thompson

A blood-crazed ferret

I shudder into wakefulness as my alarm clock rings (today it plays my friend James MacMillan's cantata "The Lord smote Glasgow Rangers"). Giving my teddy-bear, Benedict, a quick hug, I leap out of bed and get dressed. Breakfast is a simple affair of cupcakes and coffee.

Cristina Odone, Tim Stanley and Ed West

Telegraph cupcakes. Can you spot Cristina Odone, Tim Stanley and Ed West?

Of course on Sundays I omit breakfast and go straight to the Oratory to look for liberal and modernist tendencies in the Latin Mass, but on weekdays I go to Telegraph Towers where I hold the highly important job of Editor of Telegraph Blogs. This means that all the bloggers kow-tow to me, bring me cupcakes, and laugh at my jokes. The only person I have to fear is the Telegraph's Editor, Tony Gallagher, who is a West Ham United fan, and regularly says things like "I don't like your face, Thompson, you little squirt. Beat it!" But now I've stopped blogging on religious topics, he doesn't kick me so often.

Telegraph bloggers

One big happy family of bloggers

Like most journalists, I spend most of the morning reading the papers, insulting people on Twitter, and swapping silly jokes. But Friday is my big day, as I have to write a Saturday column for the Telegraph's distinguished readership of London lawyers and retired colonels. So I look for pictures of fat people with silly hair or strange clothes, and weave a hilarious (or as my brainy friend Tom Chivers says "an hilarious") narrative about them.

Arthur Roche

Arthur Roche, always good for a laugh

Lost sheep

The lost sheep?

My Telegraph column also provides the material for a very witty blog. It attracts comments from the intellectual elite, who post under names like GI Joe, Mahatmacoatmabag, An Aussie Carrot, Chap With Wings, Molybdenite, Cutley in Florence, Ernest Chaussette, and The Great Stalin. Most of these names are real, but I suspect that one or two may be made up!

Well, the day draws on, and in the evening there are many options open to me. Sometimes I stand outside Victoria station selling copies of my new book The Fix to commuters. "Big issue!" I shout, as I think that addiction is indeed a big issue for all of us. Many commuters agree, and some are so impressed that they give me 50p, saying "Get yourself some tea, young man," without even taking a copy of my book.

The Big Issue

Did I mention that I have written a book?

This is the book of which the great Clive James, writing in the prestigious Wallamaloo Possum-Breeder's Gazette said "Some wonderful books have been written on the subject of addiction. If you want something totally different, try this book instead." Praise indeed, I'm sure you'll agree!

Another thing I may do in the evening is go home to Notting Hill, and play one of my 50,000 CDs. I am a very cultured chap, and I have 94 recordings of James MacMillan's Orchestral Variations on Donald, where's yer troosers? Often I lie in my bath, playing games with my plastic duck, Donata, and singing along to James's immortal music.

Before I know it, it's 9 p.m. and time for bed. A quick anonymous phone call to one of my enemies (e.g. Austin Ivereigh or Johann Hari), with a burst of demonic laughter, and we've reached the end of a perfect day. Off to bed with my teddy-bear!

Benedict the Bear

Good night, Damian!

Thursday, 26 July 2012

The Divine Comedy: Inferno

So the poet Virgil came to Eccles, who is a saved person, and said "Perhaps you'd like to take a look at Hell, Purgatory and Heaven, to see how they've been getting on since I gave Dante a conducted tour? You could write about them on your lovely blog."


Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here

So they travelled to the gates of Hell itself, and began their descent into the abyss from which no man returns.

"This could be interesting," said Eccles. "Will we see Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, and people like that?"

"We do have them down here of course," said Virgil, "but frankly you don't want to see the dreadful torments they suffer. When you see someone who is forced to read the Guardian all day long, you even start to feel a nagging sympathy for them."

Ted Heath in Europe

Ted Heath

They came to a darkened room in which a big fat man was groaning pitifully as he declaimed in a booming voice: "Ohhh... notwithstanding directive LU/267/JRQ/1637, paragraph 208, on the regulations for the design of teaspoons permitted in coffee shops not exceeding 250 square metres in area, it will be necessary for the managers of such shops to buy carbon credits to the value of EUR 50 for each customer who wishes to blow on his coffee to cool it, on pain of having their toenails pulled out by a registered inspector..."

"This is one of his lucky days," said Virgil. "He's just got to read out pointless EU directives. On a bad day they get him to read out all his old speeches."

"I see you try to make the punishment fit the crime," remarked Eccles. "Do you have any interesting atheists?"

Martin Luther, in fact

Christopher Hitchens

They came to a room in which a rather stout man was writing a book. Eccles looked at the chapter heading, which said How Mother Teresa murdered a nanny and framed Lord Lucan for it, on the instructions of Pope Paul VI. In the corner of the room was a fire, and Virgil explained that Hitchens's punishment (apart from being eternally deprived of alcohol and cigarettes) was to write books which, when completed, were thrown directly into the flames. "This happened when he was alive too, usually, but now we can cut out all the trouble of getting a customer to buy them first," explained Virgil.

"I was right, I was right, there is no God, and he hates me!" screamed Hitchens, and resumed his writing.

"How about Catholics?" asked Eccles. "Do you have any down here?"

"Lots," said Virgil. "Since the 1960s, there's been no shortage of Catholics wanting to sign up to a liberal agenda. Abortion, euthanasia, divorce, homosexual practices... so much simpler than traditional morality, it seems."

Taxi driver

Will nobody come for a drive with me?

A fat dissolute man came past, driving a taxi. "Taxi, guv?" he asked. "A little drive to the island?"

"Heard the legend of the Flying Dutchman?" asked Virgil. "Condemned for ever to sail the seas? It's been updated - Ted here is condemned for ever to drive his taxi, unable to pick up passengers."

"He was a Catholic, wasn't he?" asked Eccles.

"When there were votes in it," replied Virgil. "But mostly he was just a fat drunken slob."

"So, where next?" asked Eccles.

"Well, you've seen some dead souls currently in torment. Next, I shall show you a vision of the future. We'll see some of the living people whom we're expecting down here in the next few years..."


Let's go and do something really evil.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Scottish news

Some Scots confused about sex

Startling news comes from North of the Border, where it has been discovered that many Scots have been confused about which sex is which, all along. Consider the following "Lookalike":


Alex Bastedo, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?


Alex Salmond, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

It has now finally been explained to some of the less alert Scots that the guys in trousers are usually male (use the door marked "Laddies," chaps!) and the guys in skirts are female ("Ladies").

Alex Salmond has decided that the only way to prevent such confusion in future is to allow for the possibility of same-sex "marriage." However, if you are not sure of the sex of your prospective spouse, then do please ask a qualified doctor to advise you, to avoid embarrassment later.

New job opportunities for Italian clergy

Viva Italia

Viva Italia! Green, white and red

Now that the job of Pope is no longer reserved exclusively for Italians, it has been decided that the post of Archbishop of Glasgow will be the main alternative option for high-flyers. In succession to "Don" Mario Conti, the position has now gone to "Don" Philip Tartaglia, Bishop of Paisley.


Is there a Catholic Mafia in Glasgow?

The position of Archbishop of Glasgow was heavily contested amongst the Italian community, and it was a relief that the succession was established without any serious problems. True, there were a few shoot-outs, car bombs, and garottings, but this is considered to be normal at Masses in Glasgow. It has been agreed in principle that the next Archbishop of Glasgow will come from the Corleone family.

Over in Paisley, life is much quieter, as this picture shows.


A tastefully-dressed resident of Paisley on his way to Mass

Veneration of relics

The false teeth of Eccles's "Anti Moly," now widely regarded as a sacred relic, continue to make their way round the country, to be venerated by pious Catholics. Here they are seen in Edinburgh, surrounded by adoring crowds.


Relics transported in a special vehicle, donated by the Pope

So far, very few miraculous events have been attributed to the relics. Anti Moly, the original owner of the teeth, is of course not dead, but she is still behaving very strangely. A few of her recent utterances from Twitter:

I think I must have eaten a bad spider last night. The anti-freeze hides the taste.

Will people stop wishing me good night? I find it offensive. Besides I don't sleep at night. WOEFUL.

Do please say a prayer for Anti Moly's return to sanity.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

1. So it came to pass that Richard produced the two great achievements of his life, by which he will be remembered by his children; yeah, also by his children's children.

2. But probably not by his children's children's children, who will certainly prefer The Very Hungry Caterpillar to The God Delusion, thus showing that an interest in zoology may be passed on with the genes, even if fanatical atheism may not.

Very Hungry Caterpillar

A serious rival to "The God Delusion"

3. We shall speak of The Richard Dawkins Foundation in the next chapter, but now we must record Richard's achievements as a writer.

4. For the time had come for Richard to begin his greatest work. He took the top off his pen, meditated deeply for three hours, and then wrote a sentence that would strike terror into the hearts of all believers everywhere.


6. But then Richard realised that this was too controversial, and he wrote down some alternative propositions.

7. For he said, "Well, maybe the Bible does exist. But it does not mention God. Nor does it mention Jesus. And the people who wrote the Gospels didn't exist. And Jesus did not say the words attributed to Him. Nobody did.

8. And Jesus was not born of Mary, but of someone else. The Magi did not bring gold, frankincense and myrrh; they brought toys, baby clothes, and a pushchair."

Toy chicken

Much more useful than a pot of myrrh

9. And Richard continued to write his powerful refutation of religious thought. For he told the world, "Jesus was actually killed during the massacre of the innocents. Also, Jesus did not raise Lazarus from the dead. The man was 'just resting.' And Jesus drowned when He tried to walk on water.

10. Moreover, Jesus did not feed 5000 people, only 4721. It is well known that Jesus was never crucified, in fact He is alive and well and living in Jesus College, Oxford. Finally, when Jesus rose from the dead He found He couldn't move the stone, and decided to die again."

Big stone

Moving stones like this isn't as easy as it looks.

11. And the people who read these powerful arguments said to themselves, "Why, even if only one of these statements is true, it is surely one in the eye for the Christians, and they will have to close down all the churches."

12. And then Richard learned of our Lord's summary of the Law. And he said "ROFL!"

13. Which, being translated, means, "I cannot love the Lord my God, as He does not exist. And I cannot love anyone as much as I love myself.


The Dawkins family motto

14. For which of my neighbours is worthy of my love? Dr Hahn, who works on the next chicken to me, down at the Zoology labs, he whose mobile ringtone goes 'Cluck cluck cluck,' which is driving me mad?

15. Or the Regius Professor of Topology and Escapology, my neighbour at New College, he who can turn his underwear inside-out without removing it from his body (and how I wish he wouldn't do it in public)? Or old Mrs Jagaroth, my neighbour in our Oxford suburb, she who complains when my wife Lalla throws a party for her old friends?"

Nimon at a party

A noisy party at Dawkins Abbey

16. So Richard's book was published to great acclaim. For some critics said, "Is it not worthy of a Nobel Prize for Literature? Or at least the Laurel and Hardy memorial prize for knockabout humour?"

17. However, the Oz Foundation awarded Richard their "Straw Man" prize, for they said "He presenteth straw man arguments, which would not convince anyone who had any brains."

Straw man

"I've always found Richard's 'straw man' arguments very convincing."

Continued in Chapter 9

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Evidence for Creationism found

Astounding new archaeological evidence has just been found by workmen in Iraq laying the foundations for a new Tesco superstore. This may prove once and for all that the book of Genesis is literally true, and not just the allegorical legend that most Christians believe it to be.

To-do list

God's to-do list

The first artefact that came to light was a to-do list dated 23rd October 4004 B.C., which clearly shows God's intentions for the first week of Creation. We do not have space to reproduce it all here, but it clearly backs up the Genesis narrative, even going so far as to say: Day 7 - the weekend (Hoorah!) Maybe a day trip to Bridlington?

God's holiday resort

Bridlington - is this where God spent His first rest day?

Perhaps the most controversial part of the book of Genesis is the Garden of Eden story, but some other relics dug up (curiously, in the area which will become the Tesco fruit department) include a strange-looking apple core with toothmarks in it. There is also the skeleton of a large snake, together with a microphone and recording system. This indicated that not only could the serpent talk, it was actually a singer of some ability, for it had produced a sampler CD (no, not on the Apple label, that would be anachronistic) on which it was singing various songs in a sibilant voice.

Apples and oranges

Does the Devil have all the best tunes?

Digging a bit deeper, the workmen came across a flaming sword, now extinguished, with the label on it "Health and Safety Warning - Only to be Used by Trained Angels." It is believed that this also has something to do with the Genesis narrative.

Excavations are still continuing, and we hope to be able to report on them in a future blog posting. We may also doorstep Rowan Williams, the Pope, the Chief Rabbi, Richard Dawkins, Tom Cruise, and other learned theologians to obtain their views on these sensational findings.

BREAKING NEWS: the workmen have just found some discarded under-clothing, apparently made from hard-wearing Figleafene (TM). Could this have belonged to Adam and Eve?


A family snapshot found at the site, possibly taken by God

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Bad Hymns 7

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is God's spirit is in my heart, by Alan Dale, which is also known as The two shirts song. As usual, we invited the author along to explain himself.

Eccles: A most interesting hymn, Alan, and I see that you managed to get it set to one of the most peculiar hymn tunes in common usage. It starts off as a minor-key Russian love song as best sung by a basso profundo, and it ends up as a music-hall waltz, something like "Down by the old Bull and Bush, bush, bush!"

AD: Yes, indeed. We do get many people singing "The news that God's Kingdom has come, come, come!"

Music hall

And lastly, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your own delight, a final chorus of the two shirts song!

E: Still, in these interviews we are more concerned with the lyrics. Are you sure, for example, that God's Kingdom has come already? Don't we have a little-known prayer which says "Thy Kingdom Come," as though it were something we needed to pray for?

AD: Er, well of course most of the words are based on Jesus's own instructions to his disciples.

E: But should those words really be sung in a different context?

AD: I suppose you mean the bit about "you don't need two shirts on your back?"

E: Yes, I've heard of several people catching pneumonia by assuming that the climate in Britain was the same as in the Holy Land.

Overdressed man

This man is wearing too many shirts

AD: Well, we now print the hymn with a warning that we bear no liability if people misinterpret the words.

E: Yes, "tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more," is another example.

The great escape

Maybe prisoners for a bit longer?

AD: Apparently, we've had some complaints about that too. And I told a blind person that he could see, and he promptly got up and walked into a statue of St Kevin of Mayhew.

E: Well, thank you very much, Alan. That's it really. Fancy joining me for a drink down at the Old Plymouth Hoe?

AH: Hoe, hoe!

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Your car needs a service

At this time of year, many cars need to go to the garage for a service, so we investigated some of the possibilities on offer.

Car mechanics

Our team of highly-skilled mechanics ready to give you the 1962 "Roman Rite" Service

For those requiring the traditional motoring experience, we offer the 1962 "Roman Rite" service. Your car will be asperged with holy water, and we make sure that only the highest quality oil is used. Our mechanics will sing solemn Gregorian chants as they lovingly restore your car to full spiritual health.


Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor. Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.

Novus Ordo

Your Novus Ordo team

Or like many adolescents of all ages, you may want to be more hip, dude, and go for the Novus Ordo service, especially if you've got a really sporty car with go-faster stripes on it and a nodding-god in the window. This is a truly radical service for your car, and we'll throw all the old bits into the liturgy bin.

Leaking holy water

The radiator's leaking holy water. I'm afraid it's going to cost you, Guv.

White overalls

The truly professional mechanics always wear white overalls

Of course, there are other denominations who might service your car. This is one alternative that we found by shopping around.

Palm Sunday service

The "Palm Sunday" service

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

All churches closed by the Olympics

The Olympic Rings - used without permission

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games has written to Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Rowan Williams, as well as the leaders of many other churches, cults, and sects, to instruct them that if any religious services are held within the next month, they will be in breach of new laws designed to protect the Olympics and their sponsors.

Their representative, Mr Coca-Cola McDonald, explains:

"For the next few weeks, it will be against the law to read out certain texts from the Bible. Here are some examples of sentences that are clearly an attempt to cash in on our very exciting games:

Genesis 13:2: And Abram was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

2 Samuel 2:18: Now Asael was a most swift runner, like one of the roes that abide in the woods.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize?

We are trying to track down Messrs. Abram-alias-Abraham, Asael, and Saul-alias-Paul, with a view to making prosecutions. Meanwhile, we also have exclusive rights on the numbers '2012' and '12' so all references to the 'Twelve,' whether disciples or tribes of Israel, are out."

Here are some more examples of serious criminal offences, which will be punished by the courts.

Medal ceremony

A provocative parody of an Olympic medals ceremony (after the fencing finals)

Rowan Williams

Rowan Williams with an ethically-sourced Fairtrade wafer (illegal, as not provided by McDonald's)


The illegal wearing of medals in public

The cult of Dawkinsology is also affected by the new regulations, as its powerful slogan "It was all invented by Bronze Age goatherds" is seen as infringing the Olympics' copyright on the word "bronze." Archbishop Richard Dawkins has promised that from now on he will only scream "Iron age goatherds" when trying to arrest passing priests in the street.

Dawkins thinking deeply

Will I still be allowed to say "sky fairy?"