This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Pope Francis affected by ransomware virus

It was finally admitted this week that Pope Francis had been hit by the ransomware virus - which scrambles data and makes it incomprehensible - a fact that commentators see as explaining many of the statements coming out of the Vatican recently.

Pope and computer

"I can save your pictures of cats, but the Magisterium is lost forever."

For example, a recent statement that the Corpus Christi procession would be moved to Sunday, "to cause less inconvenience in Rome", was obviously nonsense - only the English and Welsh bishops would do something as silly as this. In fact it was a result of the papal diary being encrypted by the virus, and having to be reconstructed from memory. Pope Francis has no intention of changing his official policy of causing inconvenience to people, which includes dropping in on random houses in Rome to bless them when the family would rather be watching Dr Who.

Doctor Who and Pope

"Everyone who reads Amoris Laetitia wants to commit suicide, Doctor."

For Jesuits, releasing statements that cannot be deciphered - or, more commonly, can be deciphered in any way you wish - is all part of the training. However, it turns out that the ambiguities in Amoris Laetitia were not simply Jesuit waffling, but a direct result of attempting to reconstruct the decisions of the Synods on the Family from corrupted data.

Software experts - Engineers Burke, Sarah and Müller included - have spent months attempting to make sense of AL, and they believed that by sending five questions to Pope Francis they could determine what the uncorrupted version of AL was supposed to have said. However, the questions mysteriously vanished from the papal discs, and Pope Francis is embarrassedly trying to pretend they never existed.

Pope and Ivereigh

Pope Francis presents a copy of his book The Great Sycophant to his hero, Austen Ivereigh.

Over at Crux, the virus has clearly struck Austen Ivereigh, whose writings are becoming more and more deranged, as he submits garbled copy without even attempting to make it meaningful. And to think that this man was once the Voice of Catholicism, with the power to makes popes tremble!

Another victim of the virus is of course our old friend Fr James Martin SJ, whose electronic copy of the Bible was reduced to disconnected fragments, from which he ended up drawing all sorts of nonsensical conclusions about Mary Magdalene being the Church and Jesus being taught a lesson by a Canaanite woman. Luckily he has found a new career in comedy.

Still, the news is not all bad. Pope Benedict XVI (retired) is backing Cardinal Sarah, whose own data is mercifully as clear as the day it left Heaven.

Burke and Sarah

"Have you tried switching the Pope off and on again?"


  1. Does anyone speak English around here?

  2. Indeed, it is past time for a Papal Reboot, but only a risky 'cold boot' might be effective!

  3. And Fr. Spadaro (2+2=5) was just an early adapter.

  4. Lol, thank you for informing us about this ransomware virus, I believe it has been infecting users since Mar, 2013. There is the anti- ransomware script for this particular Virus. For those who were not aware of the new release or are unable to find the antidote and wish to block this virus, please follow my instructions.
    Open notepad: Type in
    @echo off
    color 0a watch Dr Who
    *msg Removing Austen BS .book.exe
    *Del /s Amoris Laetitia waffle virus.txt
    Echo Vat. ransomware Virus successfully removed

  5. So it isn't a problem in excommunication after all.
    It's a progamming glitch.

  6. Well, at least the cat pictures were saved! That's something.

  7. In all seriousness...
    I live in Rome, not far from the Casa Santa Marta(which means HH and I are technically neighbors, FWIW), and you are SO right-on about inconveniencing people! From his first full day in office--when he drove clear across the center of town DURING MORNING RUSH HOUR (oh, but who woulda thought it might trouble anybody?), and then walked into St Mary Major, causing the frantic Archpriest to throw all the daily Mass-goers out of the basilica for security reasons... to his abrupt decision to visit JP II's tomb in St Peter's on the anniversary of his death (or maybe it was All Soul's Day, whatever) with no notice, causing the basilica to be abruptly closed and leaving hundreds of tourists standing outside on their last day in Rome, wondering WTF... to his visit to MY PARISH, again at rush hour (evening this time), causing traffic to be snarled for a mile in each direction and hysterical people trapped on buses, unable to get to their commuter train at the station on time--oh, and btw he didn't even meet with us parishioners! He simply used our church as a venue to meet with some other people, we weren't invited OR welcome at all...
    Okay, I got lost a while back in all the grammar and syntax. But you get the idea. Eccles, ROCK ON.